Today I dare to write on perhaps the most controversial of topics-
relationships…A die-hard romantic, I love to believe that “perfect”
relationships exist and am ever hopeful to come across them- on the other hand,
a more realistic me (total contrast to the die-hard romantic, I admit) slowly
whispers in response to that thought that “perfect” is a paradox in itself- perfect
would mean it needs no more improvement, yet we all know that everything in
life, especially relationships always have a scope for improvement and need
constant endeavor and hard work and a lot of “ignoring” or “accepting”
imperfections.
Over the past years as a healer and counselor, I have come
across so many cases of conflict that I would tell myself that nothing can
surprise or shock me anymore, and yet, there is always a case that does exactly
that. In a lot of instances the conflicts are baseless-something that is so
obvious to the observer, yet the people involved are oblivious to that simple
fact and continue wasting time and energy fighting and sadly hurting each other
even as they claim to love each other beyond limits. Mulling over some of my
recent experiences, I realized the old adages “every secret becomes a ghost
between couples” or “there should be no room for secrets between lovers”….hold
true for very few today- they would in an ideal situation, but then how many of
us live in an “ideal” situation? Besides, I believe it’s not secrets that
destroy relationships, it’s suspicions!
Let’s admit it- each of us has secrets even from the closest
of friends or partners. Secrets kept at times simply to protect loved ones from
hurt or ourselves from criticism or both. Sometimes, lies may be told for the
very same reason. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” is an often followed
way of life and then, quite often our hearts and minds convince us that little
secrets and little lies don’t really hurt anyone. Perhaps they don’t initially,
but beware…they just have a tendency to come out in the open and then they do
hurt someone at least!
Remember the movie “Shall we dance”? Richard Gere’s
character in that move is an example of something that can affect several
couples. One partner in the relationship is afraid to admit that they are not entirely
happy even though they love them dearly and would never want to hurt the other.
They are scared to even mention to them that they have may have emotional needs
that their partner is unable to comprehend or fulfill at times. They may need
enough space to go and meet their friends or follow certain hobbies on their
own and though, their partners may find everything in them, they themselves may
not be able to reciprocate in the same measure. The partners in such cases
often feel cheated and left out, unable to comprehend why the so called mate is
unable to speak to them and share with them as openly as they can to them. The
difference lies in the innate diversity of human nature. Everyone is not the
same, does not think in the same manner and does not grow and change in the
same manner. Sometimes, the first partner even tries to share and explain but
is probably snubbed, made fun of or even told that their thinking is totally wrong.
(and well...speaking of which, who defines these rights and wrongs? Aren’t they
relative to one’s perspective?!) What does one do then if one does not find
understanding and comprehension in their other half? Often one takes an easier
path- that of simply not telling the entire truth to the partner to save them
from hurt! It may be a little cock-eyed as logic, but logic there is for many
in this line of thinking. And it is equally if not more cock-eyed to believe
that your partner finds in you all that you find in him/her in the same
measure. It’s a little akin to a situation where you expect the lion to be
vegetarian just because you are one. Such people need to see that there exist
other view points, and each person needs some space and freedom. Taking that
space and freedom does not constitute cheating. (Obviously I am not speaking of
adultery and infidelity- those would be unacceptable in any relationship, in my
view).
Love needs freedom, not binding to grow. It needs to nurture
and allow one develop and evolve at one’s own pace, not smother one into
following only that which one person in the relationship thinks. The need to
control and dominate one’s partner needs to be replaced by a need to understand
each other. Couples need to communicate with each other more often, and quite
often also agree to disagree without being spiteful.
Each one of us has felt suspicions arise in our head, or has
been at the receiving end of suspicions of others. More often than not, these
are not entirely pleasant experiences and several potential friendships and
associations, or existing ones have bitten the dust, prey to suspicions. Few
gifted ones know how to and when to stem these vicious thoughts, to sit back
and analyze rationally and objectively before jumping to conclusions or
reacting just on suspicions.
Being suspicious is part of human nature- call it part of
the survival instinct too if you like. In some measure they can belong to the
same category as a hunch, however, a hunch is a little less negative in its
connotations. In fact, where a hunch may actually be helpful, suspicions rarely
are. Like anything else, uncontrolled
suspicions can well be the end of many a relationships. Let a thought grow and
feed on you without validating facts and soon, it takes over completely. The
ability to differentiate between right and wrong, truth and lies gradually
fades away and perceptions take the turn (mis)guided by the demons of suspicion
which happily devour the best of healthy happy partnerships and liaisons. One
suspicion may lead to many others and then spread over to completely unrelated areas.
Over the past years, in my experience as a counselor, I have observed that an
overly suspicious person lacks the ability to trust and is often insecure about
his/her own worth, may even suffer from low self-esteem and usually lacks
confidence in self. The person may have been suppressed as a child, admonished
once too often, rarely encouraged to follow his/her heart and/or may have
suffered painful situations where people he/she trusted let him/her down and
hence these people naturally tend to question and doubt everything and
everyone. Such people are very susceptible to what is termed as “Suspicious
jealousy” (a term I found researching this behavior). They are obsessed with
checking text messages, emails of their partners/spouses, questioning each move,
each appointment and cannot tolerate it if the partner spends any more than
10-15 minutes conversing with the opposite gender in a party or pays
compliments to them. Why just the opposite gender, I have met people who go a
step further and feel hurt if their partner speaks to even friends of the same
gender. At the same time, if the same treatment is meted out to them, they feel
insulted and will not hesitate rebelling and accusing their partner of invasion
of privacy or lack of faith and trust in them. These people are highly
insecure, are constantly in need of assurances and then they question even
those. I think these people need help…I do believe we are all ONE (we come from
the same source) yet we are all different aspects of that oneness and each of us
needs to be accepted and respected in that unique aspect. Easier to preach and
very tough to practice, I know…but if we could just realize this and put at
least some of it into practice, we would save ourselves and others a lot of
pain. I will mull over this more, do some more research and may well come up
with a short list of Do’s and Don’t’s…perhaps when my own mind’s clearer than
it is right now.
In any case I write all this based on my own views and
experience- in no way do I pretend to be an expert on the matter. However, in
case you feel you even remotely belong to this category of people suffering
from suspicious jealousy, or if your partner is from this category, I strongly
suggest that you take a step back and do some introspection/ ask them to
introspect too. And then get some professional help…else you may well be on
your way to creating a disastrous situation vis-à-vis your relationships with
your loved ones, sacrificing the best of them to futile suspicious thoughts.
Ah, forgot to add, in the movie “Shall we dance”, all ends
well finally…with each person finding love and happiness and understanding too-
just the way a movie like that is supposed to end leaving a happy smile on
everyone’s face. J
Go watch it if you haven’t yet…Richard Gere’s dashing as ever, J Lo graceful
and lovely in her role of the dance teacher, the music and dance sequences are
a delight to watch-all in all a light and pleasant movie to watch with that
subtle hint of learning for everyone…so I repeat, go watch it if you haven’t
and who knows, it may just inspire you to do something new in life!
May unconditional love and understanding surround each one
of us. Amen!
