(UP)SETTING SOCIETY NORMS AND CONDITIONING

From me to YOU (and YOU know who YOU are):

“You spoke highly of love, of travelling and growing old together, you were the epitome of the modern open-minded fun loving, adventurous, educated man from a good family-with manners and charm, a flair for words which you used to express principles that reflected the perfect gentleman ...I fell in love, married you, trusting in you completely, left my home and family behind. Slowly you moulded me into your family and I started trying to live up to your expectations- never really managing to do so to the full satisfaction of you or your family- everything I did right was just my ‘duty’ and everything I did wrong was my incapability or unwillingness to do anything properly.

Then one day, I discovered that you had cheated on me- I confronted you, you apologised and promised never to do it again. But, alas, you DID do it again repeatedly with different women, till one fine day, I stopped giving a damn anymore- I built my own shell, worked, studied and accepted to live on with you as a friend, no more a wife, telling myself that I must keep up the social fabric of the family together for the sake of the kids who in my opinion deserved to grow up in a happy family. You continued your infidelity justifying it each time and then you saw me talking to a guy –he was your acquaintance to start with, but ended up being friends with me too- as you and other friends lay drunk in the open-and I helped him put you all into your beds. He discovered he actually found it easier to talk to me and made no bones about it- you just couldn’t handle that and you got drunk and beat me up calling me names and a loose character. Let’s understand where you came from: you were one of the typical Indian males, the husband, the lord and master of everything- I, a mere wife, meant to obey you, look good for you and your family. That’s the upbringing you had been given, so how could it be wrong?! After all, you came from a respected family of “high-caste Brahmins” and you and your family NEVER  forgot to rub the fact of the “high-caste” in.

When you met your ex-girlfriends, or even just simply women friends, YOU were just meeting a friend, when your wife met a male friend- she was being a loose character. YOU never needed permission from your wife to meet a girl, but HOW dare she even talk to a guy without your permission? And of course any men she may meet during her work were automatically the ones she must have had an affair with (it doesn’t matter if YOU used or tried to use some of these connections to further your business)...but YOU were open-minded and she was close minded if she told you not to stay in touch with women who you had dated in the past and who still continued to send you flirtatious messages after your marriage- those meant nothing of course, they were just a way to show you how charming you still were! If I received a flirtatious message, oh I must have invited it...being the low loose moraled girl I was!!! Totally understandable, isn’t it?!

Day in and day out you slowly destroyed my confidence, making me believe I was at fault for every thing, I didn’t come from a family like yours, I didn’t understand the ways of a high caste family...your mother talked on about how women should not study too much, especially if their husbands have stopped their studies (creates a mismatch you see if the woman is more qualified than the husband!), however, she proudly told all the family how her daughter-in-law was “allowed” to study and managed to top a university- the credit of course goes to the husband’s family...as a wife, I was always responsible for your misbehaviours even when you were drunk...you convinced me of my inabilities and imperfections and you did it with such skill and ease, using such gentle words, that I almost believed you. You eloquently told me of my duties as the wife of the eldest son of the eldest son of the eldest son....of the family, and how it was in my ‘noble’ interest to be the best by ensuring the family is taken care of. Each time, you apologised for any misbehaviour-I accepted your apology believing you would change because I WANTED to believe in love. I walked in to see you in a compromising position with a young cousin more than once- yet I was the one who has a dirty mind- YOU were only trying to console your baby cousin who just happened to be sticking to you in a semi-nude state in the middle of the night with your hands all over her...on another instance our daughter told me she saw you kissing your cousin one day when I returned from work-you slapped your daughter and you simply blamed me for perhaps having “planted” ideas into the head of a five year old! Of course, I was the one with a dirty mind, remember?!

After a while, the cousin went away, I refused to let others come and live in-and it ended everything good I had ever done for your family in over eight years of marriage. Anyway, some semblance of peace was restored at home as I let you be- dedicating my time and energies to my work and the children. Off and on instances of violence after drinking continued- if I retaliated you told me to “stay down woman”!! When I threatened to call the cops once- you calmed me down explaining how the status and image of the family was important and should be maintained in society. Once again, I desisted thinking of the children. When your behaviour didn’t change and I finally refused to put up with it, you left the house –telling me that you could not stand MY negativity anymore. You had spent all the savings...and your folks even came in and remove all belongings they believe they had a right to remove in my absence, not to mention, keep the houses I invested in with my savings while you were too busy enjoying life. Your mother demanded I return all jewellery too-took off my gold bangles only to leave them when she realised the maid was watching and listening to what was going on...(the “izzat and image” still mattered!!!) You disappeared for a year and the kids couldn’t contact you unless YOU decided to call them but you told everyone that your wife did not allow you to meet them, and of course everyone believed you.

It turns out you were living with the very same girl you denied ever having anything more except a casual friendship- soon your “only friends” relationship with her turned into an open "live-in relationship" (no problem, you have every right to be happy after the miserable years you spent being married)- but you still continued to call me names and blame me for affairs...your mother even went to the extent of blaming me for your having gone out in the first place (she proudly gave examples of women in her 'royal' generals family who stayed loyal to their husbands and even looked after their mistresses' children and accepted their husbands going to the court to make merry with the courtesans-all in the name of providing a stable family to the kids!!!)...but sadly I am not that good a wife- I cannot accept my husband running off with other women nor accept his violence when he decides he cannot bear to see me talk to another guy while he himself has no qualms in talking, chatting, flirting or even sleeping with other women. So it's best you leave a woman like me and find someone who's better suited to yours and your family's needs :) 

It does not matter that I looked after the whole extended family for years (so what- it was my duty!), worked to pay the bills while you were without work because you could never stick to any job and your business models never really worked long term (that too of course is not your fault- perhaps the stars were at fault or you never had good enough bosses), I still take care of your two kids who were simply left with me while you stomped out to go and cater to your sexual and other needs. I am still not good enough, tch!

You forced me to close my office in the mini-apartment I helped you pay for and keep when you sold it to pay for your adventure vacations. You used it stay in yourself and to have your women  over often- the society members objected when they saw you fooling around with another married woman late night, filed a complaint against you but that complaint was cancelled from the records thanks to your dad’s (ex-cop) contacts. Your girlfriend even turned up at eleven pm at my house to explain and convince me how I should just let you have fun and enjoy my life as well. Then she sent in nasty messages to me- and again if I retaliated, you threatened me with action against me and call me dirty. Even your dad tried putting some sense into me and told me very politely in my interest not to message your girlfriend, who was a “respectable” lady, still married to someone else and just happened to be the daughter of an old friend of his!!! Over the years the girlfriend keeps sending messages, often at odd hours, and also lets slip her “connections” to the great political leaders of our times- the noble souls like Rahul G and the like- who are such great friends of hers and would invariably help her when required. She joked about my connections asking me to try and sponsor her projects and when told to contact her esteemed political friends-she was quick to add that dear Rahul would never use “his” connections to serve himself or his friends- he’s totally for the service of the nation. I pass on the girlfriends messages to you asking you to tell her to stop, but you simply refuse to believe they are from her in the first place- when you can’t deny them, you mutter an apology with  something to the effect that they were being forwarded by mistake by her staff who just happened to have access to her phone, and foul language in the middle of the night to forward your wife obscene messages- again totally comprehensible and logical!!!

Time goes on and your help is limited to paying the children’s school fees and sometime a few other expenses like clothing or some extra curricular activity, money which is given with a great deal of hoo-balah of YOU having to pay so much for them...and all this while, you continue to splurge on yourself or on your girlfriend (it’s YOUR money after all, how dare anyone else have a say in it?), yet what you spend on your kids is something they should be grateful for ...you remind them  “you don’t HAVE to do anything for them, you CHOOSE to do it”....and on top of it, you claim that with that huge amount you pay every month as their tuitions, you have done more than your share of responsibility. I-the bad wife- do nothing except....take care of the kids every day, manage my own work to suit the hours I have to spend with the kids, and yet I am labelled as a “woman after a career” – I don’t spend as much money as YOU do on the kids , do I now? (It’s all always about money somehow, isn’t it?!) The time and effort is of no consequence of course...besides, the fact that I need to work to ensure a roof over my head (because you and your family took away the home I had invested in) and food to eat is my problem not yours, or the fact that I am a qualified professional and may actually want to work is actually something that made me a bad wife and daughter-in-law to start with (of course YOU didn’t mind using my income when needed –that bit is inconsequential), I forgo holidays so that I can be around to cater to the children, feed them daily, wash, clean, wake up early, send them to school, help them study, go through their tantrums, illnesses- yet I don’t do ANYTHING –that’s just my duty you see. Besides, what’s the big deal, you add?  After all, the kids eat the food I eat- it’s not as if it takes too much extra for the children, the house I live in is where the kids live, nothing special, I would have had a place for myself anyway, wouldn’t I...? and of course if I employ maids to take care of the house and the kids as I go to work- I am being the uncaring mother who leaves the precious kids in the hands of mere maids...but YOU are the ever caring father, who leaves the kids only with their grandparents or ‘friends’ (some of whom may not even be liked by the kids) while you take them on a so called week long holiday with YOU...which turns out to be a two day stunt after which you run off with your friends leaving the children in the able hands of your parents. YOU are truly so caring that you consent to come most times when the children beg you for your time, but you just don’t have too much time because you must cater to your girlfriend too- after all, you live for others you see, you aren’t the selfish guy who would give all his time to his own family-no way!! YOU are paying for their education and of course the few snippets of shopping- so YOU are doing sooooo much for them and they had better be appreciative of all that. Oh- and as for the wife- she better look after herself on her own. You have NO responsibility towards her AT all anymore. Any extra expenses that may occur while the kids are with her, she better cater to those too- and if she dares to buy herself a house or a car or take a vacation, she’s just being greedy- the whole world lives on rent, travels in buses, doesn’t really spend on vacations- why should your wife be any different? she better use that money to support herself and her kids- YOU of course have the right to keep the two houses she helped you buy in the first place, earn rent from them...and just because she doesn’t go around raving and ranting like you and your family does about how you have mistreated her, you think you have the right to continue to say what you want. You try and sabotage every attempt of your wife to get a loan, deny it stating the exact opposite- of course the loan enquiry reports show it differently (but they must be lying too)- and then when she finally manages her loan and purchases her house, you tell the world one more time, how she has enough money and still wants alimony from you for signing the divorce papers- the greedy woman!! Shameful!! You have your loyal relatives who believe every word you say and nod or shake their heads in approval or dismay without ever trying to verify the truth because you are the respectable Brahmin family man who fell victim to a girl belonging to a family not worth the same level- and why should they ever doubt you- you have always displayed your well-mannered generous self to them? (and you continue to do so till date) These people are quick to label your wife like you did, unfriend her, are uncomfortable if they ever  run into her unexpectedly, and should some of them continue to talk to her- your  mother tells them not to maintain contact for she is no longer part of their esteemed family. Any friend who ever saw you misbehave on the rare instance you lost your cool in front of them, is obviously no longer your friend and conveniently so. You continue to maintain your “status” and “respectability” having explained quite skilfully how  your wife was always the one at fault –and how you endured her all these years in attempt to keep your family whole...it was SHE who pushed you into your affairs, into being irresponsible and soooooo unhappy...you pour soul and YOU still wish her well (so kind of you)! Your family suffered soooo much as your ambitious wife worked or studied and didn’t cater to your needs fully. And the society and relatives and friends believe you only too willingly for they would need to seriously examine their own beliefs and morals and traditions if they dared to look beyond for the underlying truth- much more convenient to just let things be, not their circus and not their monkeys anyway!

The children don’t know what to say or what to believe, they get caught in your fights. They shut their eyes and ears to it all...and you know that even if you don’t do what you must, the wife will still do what she can- and when she can’t it gives you a happy reason to add to the insults or her inadequacies as a good mother. But YOU are the perfect father, one who has been victimised but is still living life as best as he can, (oh so brave of you), YOU miss your kids but can’t be with them as much as you would like to and have to limit your time with them to a few days or weeks in the whole year- after all, YOU do have a girlfriend to take care of now- and you must because as you explain to your kids, who will take care of you in your old age, you need her company :) (again, the kids and I understand completely- it makes perfect sense).  Let me not forget to mention the fact that even if today your wife is seen talking to a guy, it only points out to the fact that you were right about her having been immoral...how can she have 'just a friend'? that is possible only in the case of model open-minded souls like yourself!!! 

The girlfriend finally gets her divorce and now YOU want a divorce as well- and are willing to generously pay your wife (less than a quarter of the value of the properties she invested in with you)-and when she refuses that offer, she is again being so greedy, the EVIL woman... how can she say SHE invested anything, what proof does she have? She should have kept proof of ALL the payments she made in good faith...and if that proof isn’t there, you laugh, and tell her to go to where she can-and tell the rest of the world, she’s simply lying- so much for her having ever trusted in you or in your father who she treated like her own father and who simply turned around one fine day and told her- he had to take care of his son first! Too bad, silly girl- you should have known better than to trust the man you fell in love with or his family!!! and of course you never stop adding the fact that you want your wife to move on in a happy life- with her lover (the same one you left her for when you did and were forced to go and find comfort in the arms of your girlfriend :) yesss, I completely understand even now how you were tortured into infidelity at all times!!!) ...The list can go on and on and on in your favour, but let’s just cut it short here.

Let me just say-I do feel better after having poured out much of what I kept in my heart for so long- and I am letting it all go now. Now, I just really want to THANK YOU for all that you do and all that you did...it’s made me what I am today-stronger and wiser, perhaps not as happy as I would have imagined myself as a young girl in love, yet, not the bitter person I just might have turned out to be after all that I faced in your “high-class” and “principled” family. I wish you and your girlfriend a life of happy togetherness. She actually did me a favour by helping you move out. My faith in the goodness of people is still unshaken thanks to the friends I have had and I still do believe in love. To your family members who were so quick to turn around in a second ignoring twelve years of a relationship based on your words, I say thank you again- thank you for ridding me of people I know didn’t deserve my affections or trust in the first place and may God bless you with more wisdom and discernment than you have shown yourselves to have.

I have been angry, spoken out initially, defended myself, fought for what I believed was right-perhaps even done things am not always proud of in my anger and frustration...till I got tired and more than that, disillusioned and disappointed. And then, for years I just chose to keep quiet, angry even at myself, blaming myself for my choices, my trust, my folly in loving a man who was nothing I ever imagined he might be, for loving his family as my own when it never was anything beyond the “image” they wanted to project to the world (again my fault to have had such expectations)...at times asking myself where I had gone wrong and why did I ever continue the farce for so long, why did I refuse to see things that were so obvious to everyone around me- to doubt in the face of facts that did not lie? In these years, as I started to question the 'why' of all things, I shifted towards a spiritual path and held on to it to maintain my sanity. With the teachings, as I tried to understand and accept things- calling them fate, or a fruit of my own karma –perhaps of a past life or many past lives-I have tried to forgive, to even thank these souls for I may never have learnt what I have learnt today, I may never have come to the path I have taken today. I have chosen not to battle you in court or slam you and your family with cases of mental and physical abuse- not as a sign of weakness-nor any false goodness I feel towards you or your family ( am still not a saint)- but I believe the pain and dirt it would have caused the kids to go through is just not worth the pittance you may have eventually had to dish out (it’s not something you will carry with you when you leave this world and you will get your dues as I will mine at the hands of the Lords of Karma someday)- sometimes, peace is better than being right and I chose peace...admittedly I am still far from being where I want to be, and it takes an effort to remain cool and calm especially when I see the children suffer ( it’s tougher to accept it all as their karma than it is to accept mine)...yet, I know everything happens for a reason even though we don’t always understand it. I have that faith now and it is that faith that keeps me going in the toughest of times. I have been able to feel more compassion for men and women alike knowing that most people are not what they seem and many hide a great deal of sadness under veils of a seemingly happy life so that their families and children don’t suffer...I have learnt to remember not to take people for granted or ever raise my expectations too much, to be grateful for every moment of happiness I have in the present without counting on the future ...and more than anything else, my experience has helped me in helping others through their tough times with this understanding.

I know it will take many years before I can truly truly forgive anyone, including myself,  and forget the pain. I still feel the anger and frustration rise up at times, but I have, however, reached a point where I do bless all of you with all my heart.

I hope I will be able to raise our children free from these norms of set roles as independent good human beings who do no have undue expectations arising from gender biases, who still believe in the importance of families and trust in love...somehow I believe it will happen- as they say, all is possible with the grace of God.”

-x-x-x-

As I read this account written a while back, I could only think that this is just one story among many-gone wrong somewhere in the mismatched expectations of two people who obviously didn’t understand what they were getting into right from the start of it all... unfair as it may seem, who would you blame for such a situation? The girl who could not do what she was expected to do, the boy who expected just what he had been brought up to expect? Many more horrendous stories are heard each day-often ending up in tragedies and much more pain. Of course not ALL men are bad and not  ALL women good. I have come across plenty cases in which women are the ones to dole out atrocities on men (I would like to clarify, this piece is not just about male-bashing)- wives who believe they have every right to their husbands earnings, to his attentions and his whole time and obedience just because they are women-but forget that they as women, as wives, as mothers have any responsibility at all. They are quick to demand, get upset and even complain or shout foul if there whims and fancies are not catered to. The sceptre of the dowry and domestic violence complaints looms large and at will is used to scare men into giving in to their demands or facing imprisonment.

So tell me, who would you blame for such behaviours? Not entirely these men and women who simply do what they have been taught to do from the beginning...what I don’t understand is why this society has allowed such men and women to grow up thinking in this manner- people who believe a man is the lord of the house and has the right to everything just because he is a man, and is higher because he (sometimes!!) earns the money to run the house?! The hypocrisy of wanting a modern partner, of pretending to be so open-minded that the man "allows" his wife to work and study, and yet wants a woman who conforms to the traditional norms of being a great home-maker. It’s expected of the woman to give up her career to take care of the house and the man to continue his work- but if he walks out, he has no responsibility whatsoever for the woman he married- because she no longer interests him anymore? It doesn’t matter that after years of having taken care of his house, the woman may not have any more chances of the career she gave up...or may not have any savings because all finances were always handled by the man. The mothers who teach their sons this attitude, who instil in them that they will be the lords of their homes and should get a wife who will not only cater to their needs but also to the parents, be the perfect daughter-in-law with their approval, however, the man never needs anyone’s permission to do what he wants – the same mothers who also instil the same beliefs in their daughters to be subservient to such men ...or why certain women are brought up with the belief that all responsibilities lie with the husband and their only job is to look pretty and enjoy life being pampered with high priced designer labels, kitty parties and fancy holidays...Indeed these people need to take a look at what they are creating. 

How can we expect a wholesome world when we have such incomplete individuals constituting the larger part of it? I don’t say men and women are equal- they can’t be -each has his/her strengths and weaknesses, yet, the roles they were given by society centuries ago need to change- they may have worked back then, but it’s not the same society anymore. And if they want to live by the same rules, then before they start judging women who don’t conform to the traditions, they better ensure they are men who DO ALL they promised and pledged to do at the time of taking the traditional marriage vows as well.

I see messages of how women have forgotten what only they can do in trying to prove themselves capable of doing all that men can do- perhaps that is true, yet, I feel there should never be a need to prove in the first place- neither for men, nor for women.  The society places undue pressures on men to earn, to be strong, to never display their emotions and on women to be ‘feminine’, to belong to their men, to sacrifice their wishes and desires for the happiness of their families etc –why mould them into set roles? why not let them grow free and develop into wholesome souls who do not need another to complete themselves, be individuals who will, when they do meet a partner, become someone who will expand their wholesomeness and not limit it?! They will be capable of making the 'happily ever after' stories be the norm rather than an exception because they will not be at loggerheads to prove who is right or wrong, but accept each other as they are, reveling in each others uniqueness without needing to take from the other to complete themselves, nor dominate and force one to conform to the other. I may be a dreamer, wishing for a world that can never exist...but I do wish that somehow we will be able to educate and create an awareness for both men and women in our society to break free of these norms and grow towards more wholesome beings.